MEGA PIRANHA

Another only mildly interesting piece o’ shit that was either made for the SYFY channel or probably went directly there anyway.

What’s less frightening than a school of fish that can strip a man to the bone in less than a minute? Most things, I would say. However, someone should have told the writers that if you make the fish large enough to swallow you whole – and give them retarded-looking teeth to boot – the whole concept becomes unintentionally hilarious.

80’s pop singer Tiffany “stars” in this stinkbomb along with Barry “Greg Brady” Williams as a rather likeable politician (can you imagine?). I’m starting to see a trend here with these SYFY/Giant Fish cinematic pieces. First, think up a stupid plot and second, give some washed-up former kid singer a role (i.e., Debbie Gibson in MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS). If this kind of thing continues, maybe years from now Justin Bieber will star in CARNIVOROUS GUPPIES.

Hard to say if this will be the start of an acting career for Tiffany, but if so, I hope they pay her enough money next time so that she can buy herself a last name.

MEGA PIRANHA = Mega Annoying.

WHEN NATURE CALLS

One of the funnier, less screwed-up entries from the TROMA studios.

Think the humor of KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE mixed in with those WILDERNESS FAMILY movies from the 1970s and you’ll kinda have a grasp on what to expect here.

Funnier parts to watch for: The Prevention of “Jerry Lewis Disease” and the “let’s all go to the snackbar” film parodies sprinkled throughout.

BUTCHERING THE HUMAN CARCASS FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION

And why not? It's almost Labor Day and you'll be looking for SOMETHING to grill!

RUSSIAN AMPUTEE WOMEN

Years ago, I came across this bizarre marriage-broker website. Apparently there are guys in our populace who are turned on by the thought of women who’ve had some form of amputation. These gals are from the former Soviet Union, hence the title “Russian Amputee Women”.

The site is gone now; it disappeared shortly after I’d found it, presumably because most folks aren’t into this kind of fetish or perhaps it was due to the bad taste aspect of it. Face it, it would not occur to your average Joe to look into getting a “stump job” (or whatever the hell they call it) from these Russian ladies.

Falling in love with these ladies despite their handicap is fine; being sexually attracted to them BECAUSE of the amputation is, well, just plain frickin’ weird. Anyone who is offended by that statement should go find themselves a nub to kiss. Hey, this is MY blog, not yours.

Here, then, are scanned pages of what I printed up the night I found the site. I figured that if I told anyone I found this on the net they wouldn’t believe me unless I showed ‘em proof.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “the proof”:

BASKET CASE

“Whatta ya got in the basket?”

“My brother.”

“Your brother?” Laughter follows this question, but Dwayne’s not kidding – his brother really IS in the basket.

It was a true blessing to find Frank Hennenlotter’s masterpiece, BASKET CASE, available on DVD from the wonderful SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO company.

It’s the story of Dwayne and Belial, one “normal” guy and the more-or-less parasitic twin growing from his side. The boys are separated in a none-too-gentle fashion and the rest of the movie is a killing fiesta as they seek revenge against the surgical team who botched the surgery.

It’s really fun to see Belial tearing people’s faces off. You’ve probably never seen anything like this before. Worth checking out in order to see how special effects were done without benefit of being budgeted adequately enough for them.

The story of BASKET CASE carried over through two more movies with BASKET CASE 2 being the best of the sequels.

HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR MONSTER

THE how-to manual on caring for pet monsters, according to Norman Bridwell. Of course, he doesn’t tell you what to do if you have a monster like John Wayne Gacy or The Craig’s List Killer living in your basement.

WILLARD

My mom was upset when I bought this. The defense argument I put up was “Hey, it was in the ‘Weekly Reader’ book order form.” I had to hide it after the first time she saw it. Actually didn’t get to see the film until the mid-1980s.

The book’s author, Stephen Gilbert, was actually Gilbert Ralston, who scripted several episodes of the TV series “I Spy”. His real name appeared as author on the movie novelization of the book BEN.

The prime difference between the book and movie, from what I remember, is that in the book, Willard wears a rat head mask when he takes his friends to other people’s houses to terrorize them.
I found myself more sympathetic to Bruce Davis’s performance in the movie than to the Willard in the book. And, of course, anytime Ernest Borgnine can get eaten by SOMETHING, it’s a definite plus.

THE DARWIN AWARDS MOVIE

Lord help me, I really enjoy seeing morons get what’s coming to them. That’s what this movie is all about.

The columns and books that this movie is based on reports on the various dumb-ass stunts that have gotten their perpetrators either killed or permanently unable to procreate, thus leaving our gene pool a little less polluted.

The movie takes its cue from several real-life stupid, sometimes fatal occurrences, some of them treading over into the realm of the legendary. To elaborate anymore to you about this would not be fair (to you). See it for yourself and enjoy the wonders of numbskull behavior.

This turned out to be Christopher Penn’s last movie before his untimely death.

THE CHICKEN-FRIED RAT

Uh, would you like corn and mashed potatoes with that as well?

BLOOD FEAST

Yes, this one delivers all the visual gore it promises.

Rameses Fuad’s Egyptian Catering Shop sets up in a Florida community and almost immediately women are being killed and horribly mutilated – all to provide “food” for the feasts Fuad is preparing. Aside from all the killing he is doing, Fuad should have been arrested simply for having bad eyebrows.

No kidding, this shows everything, folks. And I do mean EVERYTHING! Movie audiences of the early 1960s became jaded when they were promised certain thrills in movies. By the time BLOOD FEAST came along, it handily delivered those “thrills” – by the bloody bucketful.

Hershell Gordon Lewis began a string of these type of films, thereby earning him the nickname “The Godfather of Gore”. He did very well with these movies and in years past was writing a lot of the junk e-mail advertisements you used to get in the mail, ad nauseum.

BLOOD FEAST is interesting on several levels. One being the blood factor relative to the era in which it was being filmed, two being the ultra-realistic bony stump seen after the attack on the girl in the tub is completed and three was the fact that Connie Mason absolutely could not act to save her own life. I imagine that this was intentional, because Lewis used her again in 2000 MANIACS. Even so, I’ve seen better on-screen performances from a stack of pancakes.

One of the extras here is a course on meat carving with Thomas Wood (male lead in BLOOD FEAST) and Harvey Korman (before the Carol Burnett Show).

This one is a keeper – the first and best of all Lewis gore films which came afterward.

20 CULT CLASSICS

I’m a sucker for multi-movie sets. Under the right conditions, that is.

First, it has to be reasonably priced and second, there needs to be a least three movies on it that I’ve never had before or have never seen. This one fit the bill quite nicely.

Not sure how OMOO-OMOO, THE SHARK GOD and THE WILD AND THE WICKED got on here; these surely aren’t “Cult” films and would not be considered “message” pictures like REEFER MADNESS. Oh well, I guess if they’re in the public domain they are fair game for these movie sets.

I found this one at Borders Book Stores and, unfortunately, have not seen it anywhere else.

OBNOXIO THE CLOWN'S FIRST (AND ONLY) COMIC

OBNOXIO THE CLOWN. One of my personal heroes. Not just an influence on me, but for "Krusty" of "The Simpsons" and "Shakes The Clown", Bobcat Goldthwait's masterpiece. This, then, is his only starring role in a comic of his own. I show it to you with pride, hoping that you will enjoy it as I have over the years.

DAVID CASSIDY COMICS #3

Found this in a stack of comics in a garage that my brother and I once cleaned out. From the looks of it, that's exactly where it belonged.